Posted in Livin' la vida loca!

Stinky Socks

Where are your socks at? Mine keep sliding off and I’m just walking around pretending to be comfortable. I know that we all go through rough times. Sometimes it’s due to our own mistakes and sometimes we just end up in hard situations. I try to give grace because I know that none of us are perfect and at times, we inflict that hurt and pain on other people. We are human. Sometimes the hurt is intentional and sometimes its not. I choose to think that people are good. People make decisions that can hurt and at times treat people badly. Because of that we are called to give grace. Just as the Lord forgives us, we need to forgive each other. The idea and practice of Grace and Forgiveness are things that I have struggled with. I move past things, but I always hold onto something, that little wrinkle in my sock that is never just right. Every time I walk, I feel it a little bit and I just can’t quite get it out. I stop, adjust my sock, put my shoe back on and start walking again. I might get a few blocks feeling pretty good, but then that wrinkle is there again and its sliding down. I go through the motions and keep trying to get my sock just right and then I am eventually like a 2-year-old, in the floor, throwing a fit because my sock is sliding off and everything is not fine.

Have you been there? Have you ever lived in a season where you just can’t get your socks on right? You start each day new, pray for peace and grace, put those socks on and start your day. Maybe you get through the day or a week … heck, maybe you made it a month! Go, girl! Then here you are, back where you were with your stupid socks scrunched up, sliding off inside your shoe and you are just sitting around mad, sad, and ready to throw a fit.

I have always known that I hold onto things. Anybody else? I have also always known that I am not supposed to. Earlier this year I dealt with some of those times that we all go through. Things were bad. I felt like things were crashing down around me. We moved and it didn’t go at all like I imagined. We took time making our decision, we prayed, we waited, we thought everything was right and it was Gods plan. Everywhere I turned something went wrong. Dealing with health issues, house remodel, all the remodel hiccups, health hiccups, personal struggles, kiddo struggles, and everything that could have been thrown in there. A few weeks into the move it felt like anything but, Gods plan. I knew that my socks were more than bunched up and barely hanging on late this winter. I needed help working through it all, navigating life and trying to give the grace and love that I am called to. I want to be everything that I am called to be. I want to work on me. I want to be a better person. I started reading books, reading my bible, seeking biblical advice, I spent time with a counselor, time talking to friends and family, laying it all out and trying my best. I feel like I have done all the things … so why can’t I just get over that hump. Why won’t my damn socks stay on?

I learned some great methods for dealing with hurt and how to really forgive. I have worked through things that I thought I might hang onto forever and most days I feel fantastic. I think I have really grasped that I cannot control other people, I can only control myself. I must choose love and joy and do the best that I can. At the end of the day I know that no matter how much I try to control or force things, He is the only one that is really in control. Grasping that has helped me so much. I think that focusing on my own journey and choosing love no matter what has allowed me to get most of the scrunched up parts down close to my toes out. I am walking around, even running around comfortable, unbothered, my socks are staying on. My health is so much better, my house is done, my kiddos are getting caught up in school and succeeding. After I finally accepted that sometimes things stink and we must choose how we want to react, I made changes. I have expanded my knowledge and education in two fields that I love. I am moving forward with a new career, loving my husband, and my boys. Things are pretty good.

So here I am, juggling many hats, staying busy, working hard, moving forward and things are good. Then I get dressed one morning and these socks won’t stay up. I’m looking like things are good, things are fine, but I’m hanging up on the why? I don’t want to think about the why, but it sneaks in and attacks. I believe in spiritual warfare and I believe that there are times when the attacks are clear. I have forgiven, I have accepted that there are things out of my control, I have accepted that even though this isn’t what I expected in this move I can choose to make the best of it, make the best of my life. I feel pretty good about all of it most days. Then I get hit with the worst pair of socks in the drawer that you walk out the door in and suffer all day. I am ready to throw a fit and I want to know why? I am good at what I do. I have worked my tail off with my husband over the past 6 years at our previous business. I took every opportunity available to expand my knowledge and grow to help us be as successful as possible. I never have any problem staying out of the spotlight, playing the supportive role. Working hard and not necessarily getting “credit” isn’t really an issue for me. If my husband appreciated it and if we are successful together, that is a win. That is my success. I think there are a lot of women that can relate. Working as a team and winning together, that is our win. Things have changed for me and I can’t play on the same team anymore. I spent a lot of months stuck in the why and frankly I spent a lot of months pissed off. I am past that. Situationally, I know I can’t change it or control it and from that aspect I just started wearing flip flops, so I don’t even have to worry about the damn socks.

Flip flop season is coming to an end and I had to put some socks back on.  I did a lot of walking last week and the socks started creeping down, scrunching, and sliding off. Now my thoughts and questions are for God. I don’t know exactly why this is the plan? I can’t really figure out if I am living out Gods plan or if I am just under attack. Having to watch your new reality, being shown how on the “outside” you are, its just uncomfortable and it hurts. Do those feelings go away? Doing work behind the scenes after you were cut from the team, I do that with honor. I do that to support my husband and his success. Because at the end of the day, his success is still our success because I support him. Having your exclusion shoved in your face when you know that you could be making a positive impact, that this isn’t what you imagined or planned … the socks just slid off as soon as I put them back on. Here I am just trying to look cool and pretending I’m not walking around uncomfortable as all get-out. When do the little things stop coming out to make you feel bad all over again? When do you get to just wear the flip flops all the time? Do you ever stop questioning why this was the plan? I really thought I was done with all that, but here I am with both socks hanging off inside my shoes, just trying to keep them pulled up enough to walk.

I know there are a lot of us that are walking around in the same shoes, with the same crappy socks. Our situations, hurts, and hangups are probably all a little different, but we all hurt the same.  I am going to keep praying and keep looking forward. I am going to keep waking up everyday and try to walk in a flip-flop attitude. During some recent reflection I read an article that said that if we are questioning because we think we know better than God, that is never good. If we are questioning because we truly just want to see the light in our own confusions, that might be appropriate. I wanted to share my thoughts and my questions because I know I’m not the only one. If you have questions, keep seeking Him, He is the answer.