A lot has been going on since my last post. I’m going to be honest about the writing gap. I have still been writing. I have blog posts written about life, décor, and remodel progress. I took a break from posting them because I let someone’s own insecurities and judgmental words get into my head.
I sat at a dinner a few weeks ago and I heard someone talking about blogs from the end of the table. I write about our remodel progress and have dabbled in blogging, so I was interested. What I heard was anything but kind. Aside from senselessly bashing a woman for blogging it was thrown in that people who blog should just stop because nobody cares to read it and they must have nothing better to do. Hmmm … necessary … kind … wholesome? No. It hurt for a myriad of reasons. I’m quite sure they knew that I have a blog, so it was just another blow in what has seemed like months of hurt. I wasn’t just hurt for myself, but it was just so senseless and evil to attack people for writing.
Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
Soft hearted, too sensitive, and taking all the things to heart … that’s me. Its not what the bible tells me to do and it sure isn’t a fun way to live. I am working on it, but its hard, y’all. Why are people so mean? I seem to have a knack for walking into situations where people are bashing others or bashing me. It happened many times in Victoria. I am apparently as quiet as a mouse because people never knew I was around. Jason always told me that its just what happens in the workplace, but my mind was always baffled by employees criticizing him when he did so much for them … and he was damn good at what he did. Instead of wanting to cry it made me angry. I often wish I was angrier instead of so emotional when it happens to me.
Rather than moving past these experiences I dwell on them. I feel the hurt deeply and it lasts a long time. I remember them vividly. Those are all awful qualities and nothing you want to do, I promise. I have worked a lot on myself in the past year, especially the last 6 months. I am better about forgiving, but I have not mastered forgetting. I know forgetting isn’t something that has to happen, I know forgiveness does not equal trust or relationship, but I really wish I could block out all the memories. The times I walked in on people I care about saying senselessly mean things about me, bashing me or my family, or at the worst, saying things that are false and unnecessary.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
I know I can’t change what other people do and I sure can’t control them. I can’t snap my fingers and forget the evil words or hateful things that people say and do, but I can try to live everyday by not causing the hurt for others. I have experienced a lot of that senseless hurt over the last few months. Maybe it was intentional and maybe not. Maybe the blog crap was pointed at me and maybe not. Either way it hurts. Being left out, set aside, talked about, made to feel like you aren’t good enough, its all hard. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I get mad. Most of the time I don’t understand. Lately I have been most comforted by scripture, by understanding that there is a plan and a reason, and it won’t always be dark.
There have been times that I wish I wasn’t so soft hearted, that I didn’t care so much, but I do think that is me. I love hard and I care a lot and I know …
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18
So, here’s to caring less about the words and actions of others and remembering more of His truth. If I want to write a blog about home décor, style, remodel, how I feel or even about a sermon my pastor gave, I’m going to do it. I am going to talk about how I feel and what I like, but I am going to do it with grace and kindness. I am going to continuously work to be the best version of myself and to help others achieve the same.
And its like I always tell my boys, “Dimming someone else’s light won’t make yours shine any brighter”. So lets help other people shine.